The
Contagion of Divorce
A recent trend in Muslim communities that is raising red flags is the alarming
rate of increased divorces. Whether married for a few months or for several
years, divorce is sadly becoming the initial course of action when marital
difficulties surface rather than a last resort. According to a recent article
featured on CNN online and on Yahoo Shine, a scientific study has shown that
“divorce is a contagion that can spread through social groups like a virus,
weakening the marriages closest to it.” -- Retrieved July 10, 2011--(http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/06/10/divorce.contagious.gore/index.html)
and (http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/is-divorce-contagious-1957289/)
These results are definitely something to be concerned about. While the study
did not focus on religious or cultural traits of the participants, it did take a
long-term look at different couples who encountered divorce for various reasons.
One cannot deny that Muslim communities around the world are being hit by this
“contagion” just as quickly and fiercely as non-Muslims. Yet, understanding the
reasons that often lead to divorce may work as a preventive measure that could
help save some marriages before they end.
In the foreword of the book “When Muslim Marriage Fails: Divorce Chronicles and
Commentaries” (available under the new release section of
http://www.amana-publications.com),
Dr. Mohamed Rida Beshir explains that one of the most common causes of divorce
in the narratives presented in the book was: “a stark lack of communication
between the spouses. They failed to communicate well before the marriage, and
they failed to communicate well during the marriage. To exacerbate the problem
of lack of communication, the couples in these stories often entered their lives
together with two very different expectations of marriage, and unfortunately,
never shared their expectations with one another. In the rare instances where
communication did occur, it happened so ineffectively and in such an abrasive
manner that it left the spouses feeling a great deal of resentment toward each
other, resentment that festered in their hearts and ate away at their shaky
marriages until they could take it no longer.” (Pgs 5-6 in Ismail)
This lack of communication is truly a problem in our Muslim marriages. Often
taught to stifle complaints rather than air them out in open discussion, the
snowball effect can often make a mountain out of a virtual molehill that will
continue to grow throughout the years of marriage. While many people wrongly
assume that divorce mostly happens in younger couples without children, this is
sadly not the case. Divorce is now occurring with greater frequency among
couples with young children who have been married for several years and also
among older couples who’ve been married for decades.
The book mentioned previously, “When Muslim Marriage Fails,” takes a closer look
at several of the most prominent reasons cited for divorce today. The first
narrative explores the issue of domestic abuse. This is a serious problem that
frequently goes unnoticed because the victim’s voice is often silenced out of
fear of the abuser or fear of society’s reaction. Yet, Islam does not sanction
nor tolerate any form of physical abuse in a marital or other familial
relationship. Anyone who is encountering domestic abuse needs to vocalize and
address the issue in an Islamically prescribed fashion.
The second narrative addresses another common issue seen in many Muslim
marriages and ultimately in numerous divorces today. It is the issue of
maintaining marital faithfulness. While many Muslims will not entertain the idea
of outward adultery or carrying on an affair, often unfaithfulness can creep
into marriages in the guise of “friendship” or other deceptively
harmless-looking ways. In this narrative, the husband maintains overly-familiar
friendships with female coworkers that extend past the limits of business
encounters. Questions of social media gender etiquette and acceptable online
boundaries are also addressed in this pair of stories.
The third narrative focuses on problems that stem from a culturally dissident
couple. When a Muslim Arab man helps a young woman convert, he assumes
responsibility for her and marries her. Yet, the marriage is fraught with issues
of identity and clashes of upbringing and expectations due to their different
cultural worldviews. After having several children, the couple divorces due to
irreconcilable differences.
The fourth narrative explores the issue of divorce among empty-nesters. An older
immigrant couple, married for over three decades, cannot deal with the emptiness
of their home and their relationship after years of focusing on raising their
children rather than nurturing their own marital relationship. Surprising as the
statistics may be, this group of older individuals shows the greatest spike in
divorce rates in most recent years.
The fifth and final narrative couplet in the book focuses on one of the most
disturbing and most commonly seen divorce situations today. It discusses the
situation of divorce in a young couple after seven years of marriage due to the
stress of work, family-life, children, and maintaining household duties and
roles. Perhaps the greatest woe in this situation is that the divorce here seems
so avoidable when viewed independently from the voice of the wife and the
husband. Yet, when put together, it seems like divorce really is their only
option.
In all of these situations and the many more that weren’t even addressed in the
book, divorce seems to be the course of action followed before attempting to
work through mediation, marriage counseling, or therapy. It is important for
communities to rally around families and couples and to help support each other
when marital problems do arise. If we perpetually live in fear of “catching the
infection” of divorce or marriage problems, we will never reach out to those
couples who need community support to make it through the rough patches in life.
Viewing divorce as a spreading disease is a dangerous train of thought, divorced
individuals in our communities need friendship, love, support, and companionship
even more so after going through a divorce. Forsaking them in their time of need
will only breakdown our already fragile community structure.
www.suzyismail.webs.com
http://www.amana-publications.com/cgi-bin/mivavm?/mm5/merchant.mvc+Screen=PROD&Store_Code=AOS&Product_Code=ISBN-978-159008-064-1&Category_Code=new_releases