| Author | Topic |
AMby
PAKISTAN
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 Topic initiated on Friday, October 17, 2003 - 6:48 PM 
Divorce
Assalam o alykum,
The rate of divorce has increased in our society over the past few years drastically ... and i think that its high time we sit back and seriously look into the matter and try to find some solution for it.
friend |
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Jhangeer Hanif
PAKISTAN
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 Posted - Thursday, October 23, 2003 - 10:00 AM 
| What do you suggest the Muslims/Pakistanis should do? |
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AMby
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Thursday, October 23, 2003 - 7:43 PM
Assalam o alykum,
i think that the key point is that we should always be patient , if we look at our mothers and grand mothers life we will see that they also faced hardships in their lives but didnt ever opt for divorce ..... as they had different priorities and gave their home and kids importance rather than their own selves ... but now what we do we think only about ourselves and have given importance to supreficial things.. as Allah says that life is not a bed of roses we have and will face problems so why not be patient and compromise on them until they are of a severe nature .
friend |
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saadiamalik
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Friday, October 24, 2003 - 12:00 AM
I hope I am not being too premature in saying this, but I seriously feel that people today make too many spontaneous decisions - most of them based on where the heart is inclined at a particular moment, while not trying to make longer term sense by using the God-gifted mind.
Same is the problem with divorce rates. The immense influence of Western lifestyle in our societies has been translated by means of an upsurge in the so-called 'feminist' and 'modernist' ideas:
"Stand up for your rights! Be bold!"
"Don't just stay quiet and bear. Act. Act now!"
"It is your right to get a divorce. Islam gives you this right!"
Of course, Islam gives both men and women this right. But if you look at it with a little concentration, you'll discover how it is something undesirable in the sense that it must be a matter of last resort.
I am just suggesting that people should try and keep the word "divorce" out of their heads. They must work to tell themselves that that is not a possibility, because otherwise, that comes forth as 'the easy way out' and bam! I'm divorced!
Keep the thought out of your system and only then will you be committed towards formulating a solution.
Peace to all.
Saadia |
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hkhan
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Friday, October 24, 2003 - 4:47 AM
peace/salaams
some of our dear and highly esteemed islamic scholars do tell us that we have certain rights as women over our spouses
but at the same time they ask us
not to ask for those rights as it may cause chaos
how can that b explained?
how can then we blame the societies like this where 1 in 3 women r facin' domestic violence
good that our grandmothers spent lives in patience and sacrifice and probably will enter paradise easier than many of us wud, who r facin' dilemmas in lives which they never faced and although were mostly expected to tackle with , no matter how giant, but still, the problems within their secure homes,
but then what about all this ha hu of islam givin' rights to women, as when the time comes to talk to someone and plan to get these rights, one is adviced to sew her lips and carry on silently as she has to b a symbol of patience and sacrifice?
very open to comments
regards
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Jhangeer Hanif
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Friday, October 24, 2003 - 10:18 AM
As is clear from the discussion above, I have always been of the view that it is virtually impossible to tackle with the issue of rights of women in a balanced and decisive manner.
The west has clouded the issue and thus effectually fogged the minds to render it impossible to deal with the issue wisely.
The only thing I'd like to say in this regard is that they themselves violated the rights of women who clamorously coveted for it. The WEST!
As a Pakistani, I can confirm that most women here are well off than anywhere in this world. I have seen women actually RULING their home, having a considerable say in the affairs of the miniature state—their home. The problem is actually with these EDUCATED women of our society, who tilt the picture to give a bad view. These so called educated women beguile the innocent minds and inculcate a REBELIOUS nature within them—which obviously will create problems.
Giving up what is your due and being patient is what all the Prophets of Allah have taught to us. Many a time, it is men who give up and maintain their home, which I have observed. Look at the lives of the wives of the Holy Prophet (pbuh), when they were asked to either demand their rights or live with the Holy Prophet (pbuh), they chose the latter. Allah promised them a better reward in the Hereafter. |
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AMby
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 6:16 PM
Assalam o alykum,
All of u r right in some way or the other ..there is one more thing that should be kept in mind is that men have been given a degree over women ....and are made Qawam by ALlah sws ..if we see at it we will realize that its for our benefit as it frees women from all the burdens ... as in islam men are the bread bearers and women are the character builders .. its us who have switched roles creating problems for us and our kids..
Divorce is if we look at it is also a blessing and a rahma of ALlah on us muslims so that we dont have to look and find out illegal ways to get rid of our spouses if we dont go along well , if we look at other religions they dont have any such blessing and are stuck with their spouses for the rest of their life , they resort to killing or illegal ways .
But as it is rightly said that Divorce though allowed is one hilal thing which Allah doesnt like ...
Shaitan and its partners try to create problems between husband and wife as he hates harmony and peace in society and this can be easily destroyed by mis-understanding and divorce .....and making people go for illegal sex ..shaitan hugs and gives reward to his partner who creates mis-understanding between a couple..
friend |
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Jhangeer Hanif
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 4:24 PM
I agree.
We need to be patient and face the trying circumstances with fortitude. Yet, if situation goes beyond control, we should excercise the right which Allah has awarded us. It is only the individual who can decide when he/she should be patient and when he/she should go the right given. |
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Jhangeer Hanif
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 7:10 PM
| Thus, a person should fix his/her eyes on the reward that he/she can earn by being patient yet make sure that he/she is not compromising his/her self esteem. |
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AMby
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Tuesday, October 28, 2003 - 6:30 PM
Assalam o alykum,
i was reading the ayats about divorce in the Quran and was really amazed to see that with how much psychological eye Allah speaks about the family life and the problems the couple face in it ...
in the first step ALlah talks about the role of the man and then about the role of the women and encourages the women to be pious ,loyal and all abiding..
in the second step ALlah tells that if they have problems and they cant live together then they should find some family members with whom them can confide in so that either they can resolve their conflicts or can depart peacefully depending upon the situation ...
lastly ALlah tells us to remember Him even during such difficult times and pray for His mercy and help .and then even speaks from a womens point of view that if she is unhappy then she should not go on suffering but take divorce .
All during this discourse Allah keeps on reminding us that beware of ALlah and be ALlah conscious .
friend |
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sahmed
USA
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Posted - Tuesday, October 28, 2003 - 7:54 PM
Salaam All,
In reply to modertor's posting on October 24 2003 : 10:18:33
I disagree with your suggestions that the educated women tilt the picture. As much issues as west may have, it has one thing for women that some of the other so-called islamic countries don't have. CHOICE.
Its all a matter of choice, is it not? If I am not given a choice to decide whether I will stay at home or work or be educated or not, how do I know whether I have been given my rights or not. Once given the choice, it is my decision and then be allowed to follow the decision.
All the educated women show is that there is a choice. I am a converted muslim living in united states, working and managing my husband's home, BY CHOICE.
People usually feel suffocated when others are making their decisions for them. Just like men, women should be given their choices. You will be amazed how well people react when given a choice. Because then they know that they are responsible for their own actions and hence will try to make the correct choice.
As you said, and I quote, "Look at the lives of the wives of the Holy Prophet (pbuh), when they were asked to either demand their rights or live with the Holy Prophet (pbuh), they chose the latter. Allah promised them a better reward in the Hereafter. "
They were given a choice and they CHOSE and Allah promised them a better reward. So why not give the same choice to all women.
Sonia
Edited by - sahmed on October 28 2003 19:56:10 |
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Jhangeer Hanif
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Wednesday, October 29, 2003 - 11:23 AM
I thank you for sharing with us your views.
As far as the matter of CHOICE or FREEDOM is concerned, I think it is well appreciated within the bounds of the Shari'ah and the Innate/collective human guidance. Beyond that, this CHOICE or FREEDOM is nothing but mere anarchy, the abhorrent examples of which are amply found in the WEST.
What I meant by this saying tilting the picture was that teachers/mentors are supposed to teach the students not only how to fight for their rights but also how give up their rights in order to permit sustained and healthy co existence.
For instance, Companions of the Ansar tribe were never given a choice after the demise of Holy Prophet (pbuh) to either assume the status of the rulers or surrender this right to the Qureish. They had only one choice, as the Prophet (pbuh) asked them to surrender before the authority of the Qureish. As they were reminded of this, they pledged their allegience to Abu Bakar (rta). This is what led to the establishment of a stable Isalmic government. |
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AMby
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Friday, October 31, 2003 - 6:57 PM
Marriage and Divorce in Islam
Fundamentals of a Happy Marriage
By: Shahina Siddiqui
1. Faith: The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.
Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim’s life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
2. Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you’ they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other’.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.
If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.
3. Forget: When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.
4. Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance.We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life’s difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr’ (Quran, chapter 103).
5. Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.
6. Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our spouses. The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Furthermore, the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.
The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
7. Fun: Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.
8. Faithful: It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
9. Fair: Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.
10. Finance: One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife’s money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family
11. Family: Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential .
12. Feelings: Prophet Muhammad \stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse’s feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?
13. Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one’s property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one’s spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
14. Flirtation: A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.
15. Frank: Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other’s feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other’s inner self.
16. Facilitator: When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner’s spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family’s commitment to Allah and His Deen.
17. Flattering: Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse’s heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.
18. Fulfilling: To be all one can be to one’s spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one’s all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
19. Fallible: It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
20. Fondness: So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
21. Future: Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
friend |
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miqbal
USA
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Posted - Sunday, November 2, 2003 - 5:54 AM
As salam o aleikum,
I think one important factor that we tend to forget is that the institution of marriage is a 'contract' between a man and woman. As such, this is a two-way relationship where both men and women share the hardships of life as well as enjoy the good moments together. It is a relationship of compassion and love.
At the same time, there is a leadership role assigned in the family so as to establish a head of the family. That leadership role is assumed to resolve the conflicts that may arise in the family and as such it has been bestowed upon the husband. This does not mean that ultimate power rests within that person, but that he is chosen to take care of the family, as well as guide it through when needed.
Having a choice for a woman, for instance given that she can or cannot work, does not necessarily mean that in all families she HAS to work. Many a times she may choose not to work, and in many cases she may be requested by her husband not to do so. This does not mean that she did not have a choice by Islam, just that the husband and the wife together came to a compromise whereby they decided that the woman should look after the children whereas the man goes out to earn.
I agree with the opinion that unfortunately the picture is very tainted. Consider two partners living together. One has to go out earn, provide food, provide a home to live in, provide clothes and other necessities of life, while the other mate manages them as well as their offsprings. You can choose either mate to be male or female, to most of us, the female will still be oppressed. Whether she HAS been forced to work to provide the living and male asked to stay at the home, or otherwise.
It seems that in today's world, if a woman HAS to do something, her rights are oppressed. I do not find such a case for men. Please keep in mind that their relationship is of a good nature as portrayed by an Islamic marriage, and not typical marriages where partners are not necessarily as compassionate and understanding.
Regards
Edited by - miqbal on November 02 2003 05:56:19 |
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AMby
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Wednesday, November 5, 2003 - 7:13 PM
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AMby
PAKISTAN
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Posted - Wednesday, November 12, 2003 - 1:52 PM
i agree with u that if choice given doesnt usually take us o the wrong side but mostly we exploit r situations .. i met a girl recently .. she got divorce cause her husband loved his mother and used to tell his wife to cover her hair ..so if we give too much liberty then this is what happens we forget what ALLAH has told us to do and are too much involved in this worldly life that we ruin both in the run.
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