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hkhan
UNITED KINGDOM
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 Topic initiated on Thursday, June 7, 2007 - 6:49 AM 
Upbrnging of children
We suppose we have lots of parents on these forums. If we could keep adding tips to this section from personal experience-about the upbringing of children of various ages in various parts of the world- particularly the moral and ethical aspect--it would be very helpful.
We have a local panel discussion in a forth coming women's weekend about this issue and any suggestions would be helpful.
Thank you |
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hkhan
UNITED KINGDOM
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 Posted - Monday, June 11, 2007 - 5:04 AM 
grand ideas from a recent women's weekend conference
divided age wise
genearally stressed on self practice by parents-living examples round the clock
shall post details |
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rishadrizvi
INDIA
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Posted - Monday, June 11, 2007 - 7:25 AM
As Salaam Alaikum,
We have two daughters, Mashaallah.
The elder aged 5 and the younger 2.
We have changed the bed time stories from Grimm's Fairy Tales to the events from Quran.
And we recite ayats from quran instead of 'loris' or nursery Rhymes when putting them to sleep. |
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hkhan
UNITED KINGDOM
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 Posted - Tuesday, June 12, 2007 - 10:44 PM
ws
thnx R
i think bed time is very imp both in eastern and western culture
like you mentioned-must be utilized in the best way
i have a feeling it does effect their dreams and thoughts as well |
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hkhan
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Friday, June 15, 2007 - 12:00 PM
suggestion from sister gul bano's speech
'reading Qur'an frequently in children's presence, specially around bedtime' (grand idea. however i wud say we have to do this carefully. sometimes our elderly reciting randomly whilst children in a mood to watch tv or busy doing something else. this can irritate them un-necessarily. wait for a time when they are more receptive)
(i feel this is very imp what goes in their minds through the ears. even when even when they are in utero9in the wombs-'coz they listen in there as well-even if don't understand- for e.g.musical therapy is suggested to keep them calm in utero.) or still in cots) |
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drhennataimoor
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Sunday, June 24, 2007 - 9:20 PM
assalamoalikum wa rehmat Allah
i have kept telling my 3 year old that two angels sit on her shoulders and go and tell Allah taalah every time she listens to me , and treats her little brother nicely , and every time she screams and hits and is not obedient , she is really fascinated by this , and when all my efforts to reconcile between my little children fail , i say, "angels you see haneyah is giving toys to ahmed and she stops and actually does give him he toy and then beams that angels have gone and reported this to Allah taalah.
i recently listened to an audio cassete by dr farhat hashmi on childrens upbringing and its very helpful and guiding young mothers like me who have to bring up thier children alone without any family help |
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hkhan
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Monday, June 25, 2007 - 10:19 PM
ws dr henna and welcome to the SI forums 
also being my name mate and profession mate i see  as well as being a mother.
hope you'll enjoy our courses and forums.keep posting your valuable suggestions.
you are welcome to join our sister site www.serving-humanity.net as well where we have started with doctors chapter. |
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drhennataimoor
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Tuesday, June 26, 2007 - 9:52 PM
Assalamolaikum wa rehmat Allah
thankyou for the welcome note , jazakallah for that , yes its nice to see a similar name,profession,and approach to life ... gives strength and happiness to the one who lives inside me.
May Allah bless you and all who wish to do good to His people for His sake ameen |
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drhennataimoor
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Tuesday, June 26, 2007 - 9:54 PM
Assalamolaikum wa rehmat Allah
thankyou for the welcome note , jazakallah for that , yes its nice to see a similar name,profession,and approach to life ... gives strength and happiness to the one who lives inside me.
May Allah bless you and all who wish to do good to His people for His sake ameen |
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hkhan
UNITED KINGDOM
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 Posted - Saturday, June 30, 2007 - 6:26 AM
thx henna
best wishes for all your affairs
do keep us posted with more tips as n wen as your children going through an earlier phase.
recently some1 has brought a case from a chinese family where the child was seperated from parents because in china apparently you can keep one at a time-the child stayed with grandparents untill age 9 and then as parents moved to britain, they brought him along.
now as a teenager he has absolutely no attachment /care for parents or sibling-stays out of family and house all the time-and this is breaking the family's hearts.
what tough situation
are we blaming state here or public who does not do much to change the system... don't know |
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drhennataimoor
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Sunday, July 1, 2007 - 4:24 PM
Assalamoalikum wa rehmat Allah
yes it is a blessing that children live with you and get to know you and love that develops is mutual , i have changed my priorities since having children , although i do want to do service to Allahs people by working as a doctor , but then my children would be neglected as they are so young .
all in good time i suppose inshallah.
i have gone through lots of books written by english authors about how to bring up children and then i weigh that info against what the teachings of islam are , about lots of issues i still need answers and i hope this forum is of some help
my 1 year old still doesnt sleep through the night , but im used to it now. my three year old is finally toilet trained through the day after much much tears from my side as i struggled with it since she was 9 months (thanks to the advice of my aunts who said we have seen children being trained in the first 40 days of their life).
my daughter is three but she refuses to eat practically MOST of the things we eat, but alhamdulilah my 11 month old is exactly the opposite , so one apprehension is removed .... all children are not the same phew
would appreciate tips on bringing up children, developing thier habits eating , sleeping , and toilets and then how to go about it
salaam
henna
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hkhan
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Wednesday, July 4, 2007 - 6:04 AM
thx h for the tips
may God help us bring them up as the most useful members of society wherever they go. amen |
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hkhan
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Sunday, November 4, 2007 - 8:13 AM
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drhennataimoor
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Friday, December 28, 2007 - 1:07 AM
12 Tips for Childrearing
By Ibrahim Bowers
Start Early
Have your Emotions Under Control while Instructing Children
Parents should Present a United Front
Be Consistent
Never Lie to your Childern
Don't Reward Crying
Teach Your Child to Apologize When he/she Does Something Wrong
Accept Child's Apology
Apologize For Your Mistakes
Teach Islam From an Early Age
Instruct in Good Morals
Discipline Your Child
"Don't touch those!" the father commands as his child plays with the dishes on a shelf at his host's house. A few seconds later, the father looks up from his conversation with his host, and his child is still playing with the dishes. "I told you not to touch those!" the child's father repeats. A few seconds later, the father looks up and sees his child still playing with the dishes. The father says nothing and continues his conversation with the host.
It happens all the time. Children are given orders, and when they don't obey, the parent simply goes back to his conversation and forgets.
What should parents do in this situation? Some parents would say that we should stop the child, others that we should punish him, and others that he is "just a child," and we should not expect too much from him.
As Muslim parents, we have an obligation to bring up our children in the best manner---to teach them right from wrong and to show them what we and society expect from them.
Those who give opinions on this matter usually use the Quran or hadith to support their positions, and it may be difficult to establish, without a doubt, who is more correct. However, as parents, we either have to find the correct method to teach and discipline our children, or we at least have to come up with a valid method for teaching and disciplining our children. Definitely, we should not just "figure it out as we go" --- one time using this method and another time that one.
The following principles should be useful in establishing a childrearing method which is not too extreme.
1.Start Early
Although many parents believe that very small children are too young to understand, their early years are probably the most important opportunity for parents to start them in the right direction. Once good patterns are established, they will be easy to maintain. Once bad patterns are established, they will be difficult to change.
2.Have your Emotions Under Control while Instructing Childern
Don't discipline your child because you are angry with him, but rather because you want to teach him. Motive is important here. As a Muslim parent, your motive should be to help your child.
3. Parents should Present a United Front
Parents should discuss their strategy for training and disciplining their children and agree to work together as a team. If children realize that one parent is strict and the other is easy, they will play the parents against each other. When the strict parent stops them from doing something, they will go ask the easy parent for permission. Both parents need to tell the child the same thing. If parents sometimes disagree on how to discipline the child, they should discuss it privately, not in front of the children.
4.Be Consistent
Most experts on children agree that parents should be consistent. Constantly changing the rules and expectations will only confuse your child. If you stop him from writing on the walls today, and you allow him to write on the walls tomorrow, he will not understand when you get angry the next time he writes on the walls. If you inconsistently apply the rules, he will also test you at times to see whether you are going to be tough this time or easy. If, however, he knows from experience that you always stop him the first time, he will quickly learn it does no good to try to get away with something. Although consistency is essential, it does not mean that parents cannot change their minds about the rules. If you do change the rules, however, you must inform your child in advance so that he will know what to expect. This failure to be consistent is at the root of many parents' inability to control their children.
5.Never Lie to your Childern
If you lie to them "every now and then," they may not believe you when you tell them the truth. This also applies to those situations when you tell your child to stop doing something, or you will put him in his room, spank him, or take away his toys. If you make that kind of a threat, you must stick with it. Otherwise, you have lied, and your child will not know when you are serious and when you are not. He will then be forced to test you again and again to see.
6.Don't Reward Crying
If children realize that everytime they cry, they get what they want, crying will become like money for them. Everytime they want something, they will cry. On the other hand, if you teach them that crying doesn't get them anything, they will stop crying for things. Let them cry and cry and cry, but don't give in. In the beginning, it will be difficult, but be patient. Once they learn the lesson and stop crying for everything, you will be happy that you were firm. You can either listen to crying for a few days or for the rest of your life. It's your choice.
7. Teach Your Child to Apologize When he/she Does Something Wrong
This is important so that he will learn what is expected of him from others and from Allah (SWT). If he does something wrong, he should ask forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and apologize to any people who were hurt by his words or actions. This will be useful in developing his conscience.
8. Accept Child's Apology
Be quick to excuse your child when he apologizes and shows that he is sorry for his disobedience or bad actions. When we do wrong, we seek forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and want to be excused. Likewise, we should excuse others. This will develop in your child a sense of mercy and prepare him for an understanding of the forgiveness of Allah (SWT). Always make it clear to the child that you love him, especially after he has been in trouble and apologized. Let him understand that no bad feelings remain.
9. Apologize For Your Mistakes
Don't be too proud to apologize to your child when you make mistakes. This will establish in him a belief in your sense of justice and prevent him from viewing you as nothing but a tyrant.
10. Teach Islam From an Early Age
Teach your child from an early age about Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam. If we develop in them a love for Islam and provide them with righteous examples for their heroes, they will be much less likely to go astray. A person wants to be like his heroes. If he admires Prophet Muhammad(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam), Abu Bakr(R.A.), and Ali(R.A.), he will try to follow their example. If he admires a rock star or a gang leader, he will want to be like them. If we inspire our children with good examples, when they are tempted to do wrong, they will, Insha-Allah, remember these examples and remain steadfast.
Although I was raised as a Christian and didn't embrace Islam until I was in my 20s, I was greatly influenced by the Biblical stories of Prophets like Nuh, Ibrahim, Musa, and Isa (peace be upon them all). Although the Biblical stories were not in their pure form, they still inculcated in me a love and respect for the way of the Prophets. Although I fell into many of the temptations of youth, Alhamdulillah, I always felt something within me holding me back from going too far. While many of my friends went headlong into a highly destructive way of life, I believe that my knowledge of, and affection for, the Prophets helped me to return to a better path.
11. Instruct in Good Morals
Teach your child good morals and good manners. An excellent book for this is Islamic Tahdhib and Akhlaq: Theory and Practice, by B. Aisha Lemu.
12.Discipline Your Child
Discipline should not become the domain of one parent. Mothers and fathers should both participate in the disciplining of their children. Although mothers often threaten their children by telling them that they will get into trouble when their father gets home, this method is not very useful for three reasons. First, discipline should be carried out immediately after the disobedience occurs so that the child will connect the disobedience with its consequences. If parents wait until later, the child may have forgotten why he got into trouble, and feel that the parents are not justified in disciplining him. Second, sometimes the child must be stopped immediately, and the mother cannot wait until the father gets home. The child must be taught to respond immediately to her commands as well as his father's. Third, making one parent responsible for disciplining the child may turn that parent into the "bad guy" in the child's eyes. The child should recognize that both parents agree on their methods of disciplining him. Although the degree to which various parents use them will vary, the following five methods might be used for disciplining your children.
(1) Putting your child in the bedroom. When the child is disobeying, he should first be warned that you are going to put him in the bedroom if he doesn't obey. If he continues to disobey, take him to the room immediately. Do not keep repeating warnings. For smaller children, you will probably have to sit in the room with them; for older children, they can sit alone. If they are crying or yelling, don't let them come out until they stop. Also, teach them that they need to apologize before you let them out. If they apologize, show your happiness and quick acceptance.
For those children who whine and cry for everything, it is good to teach them that they will be sent to the bedroom when they whine and cry. They should not be allowed to whine and cry in the living room where they will disturb others. Once children learn that when they whine and cry, they will be sent to the bedroom, the whining and crying should decrease dramatically. Although it may take a long time for some children to stop crying and apologize, the parent must not give in. The child should feel that everytime he persists in disobedience, he will be the loser. This method, if done correctly and consistently, should dramatically affect your child.
(2) Showing your disappointment. If you have established a good relationship with your child, your disappointment with him will have a great impact on him. If he does something you don't like, and you tell him you are angry with him and show him that you are not going to play and joke with him because of his actions, he will probably feel bad and apologize. This works especially well when several family members show disappointment with the child's actions.
(3) Withholding privileges. Not letting the child go out to play, ride his bicycle, or use his skates, for example. Threats to do this are useful only if the child believes you.
(4) Giving rewards. These could be compliments, sweets, toys, or anything else that your child likes. When your child is rewarded for doing good, he is likely to do good again. After some time, his habit will be to do good. Two words of caution, however. First, rewards should not become bribes. You should not tell your child, "If you obey me, I will take you for ice cream." Rewards should be spontaneous on your part to show your appreciation for your child's actions. They should not be expected by the child. You should say, "Since you have been such a good boy today, I'm going to take you for ice cream." Second, you should be careful that your relationship with your child does not become a marketplace where he expects to get a reward from you for everything he does. As the child gets older, he will not need to be given material rewards as often, although you should continue to let him know that you appreciate his good behavior. You should, however, teach him that even though he doesn't always receive a reward from you for his good actions, he might receive one from Allah (SWT).
(5) Spanking. This is the most controversial aspect of discipline. Some parents feel that it is wrong to spank children because it teaches them that violence is the answer or that "might makes right." Others go too far in the other direction and believe that unbridled beating of their children is okay. Some parents slap their children in the face, beat them on the hand, or twist their ears. These methods should, however, be avoided. Slapping in the face humiliates the child, and beating on the hand or twisting the ear could cause permanent physical damage to the child. Of course, it should also be clear that such things as burning or starving children, making them drink hot sauce, or other such harsh punishments should never be used. I personally use only two physical methods for disciplining my children: light slaps on the hand when the child is using his hands to do something wrong and spanking the child on his buttocks in a way that is not permanently harmful but that only causes some stinging. If the other methods of discipline are used wisely, a parent should rarely have to resort to physical discipline at all. However, sometimes it may be necessary. If done with mercy and justice and in the best interest of the child, it should not be considered as violent or abusive. When children grow up, they will be held accountable for their actions. In some cases, the punishments they face for wrongdoing will be severe. To teach them right from wrong now, even by spanking or lightly slapping their hand, will help them avoid these problems later in life. Hammudah Abd al Ati writes in The Family Structure in Islam: ". . . [T]he Prophet urged parents to demand that their children begin practicing the regular daily prayers by the age of seven. If the children do not start the practice by the age of ten, they should be disciplined by physical means --- without causing them harm or injury, of course --- only to show disapproval of their behavior." (p. 199)
If parents follow these principles consistently, they should see a dramatic improvement in their children in a short time. If, however, the children have been allowed to run the house for a long time, and the parents have given up their authority, it will take longer for the children to get used to the new rules. Although the various methods of discipline are important and will help you to control your children and force them to do what you say, you will not always be with them as they begin to grow, and, thus, the penalties and consequences from you will not concern them. Ideally, as you discipline your children you will also develop their conscience and their knowledge of right and wrong. Teaching them good morals and manners and instilling in them a love for Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba(R.A.), and the great heroes of Islam should help them to do good even when you are not around. The attainment of self-discipline and a concern for doing righteousness whether they are with others or alone is the true goal of childrearing. The afore-mentioned techniques are merely some means to achieve this.
source http://members.tripod.com/maseeh1/advices7/id111.htm |
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Mikai
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Tuesday, January 1, 2008 - 1:30 AM
Asa wb
I'm not a parent but i do work with children, so i hope this helps.
Setting a colourful structured timetable of rules that the children must follow daily. For e.g. The timetable can show their homework time, playtime and choir time.
The purpose of this is to help children (especially if there are 2 or more in one household) to become more organised, responsible and to gain respect for each other as well as their mother. (We know how important it is to respect the mother in Islam).
Children can be further motivated by setting up a reward system where they can get a treat during the weekend for obeying the rules. They can also get a punishment if they disobey a rule, like miss a playtime or not get a treat.
Without no structure some families will find that their children will try and pull away,
"oh let me watch TV first, then i'll wash the dishes" (but they never do it)
"Mum, I hoovered yesterday why can't one of the others do it now!" (if mum doesnt push the others to do it, it can cause the responsible child to follow his lazy siblings and not do choirs as well)
Errr i could go on.
I would like to add (before even bringing the timetable up) to discuss with the children first why its important to do choirs and homework. Get them to link their reasons with the teachings of Islam:
-Allah Swt likes those who are active responsible and helpful
-Allah Swt likes people who help others
-Allah Swt says its good to obey the mum
- Allah Swt will reward me in paradise
(It would be much better if the parent shows the proper evidence from the Qur'an and hadith so the children can see it for themselves).
Next try and get the children to come up with a solution in how they can share out the choirs and when they can do homework and have their playtime. Hopefully with some prompting they will come up of the idea of a timetable.
I hope this is useful! |
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drhennataimoor
UNITED KINGDOM
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Posted - Sunday, May 25, 2008 - 11:49 PM
assalamoalikum
just wanted to ask dr h khan tips on how to pursue my medical career once again when i life esp in uk is an isloated one , no help family near , no help with children ..... i know family andhome is my first priority to please Allah and i am happy too alhamduilah .... then i think why did i study medicine when i cannot pursue it and serve humanity ? what do u advise ?
salaam
henna |
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