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A Marriage Problem
Question asked by Anonymous.
Posted on: Wednesday, June 23, 2004 - Hits: 6018
I have this question regarding my recent marriage. I just got married to this 15 yr old girl ( I am by the way 24) and I am not happy at all in all aspects of this union. She shares very little in common with me, she is not on the same wavelength with me and she is physically unappealing to me. The only reason I agreed to this marriage was to please my parents and complete my faith. I had demanded to see her after engagement but my family as well as the girls family would have no such thing, even though Islam advices so (also, I was told that that I would get to see her and talk), I was told that she is 2 years older then what she really is and on top of that I was forced to not think about anyone but from back home (no here in the US) and that the family must be somewhat related to ours even thought I had my eyes on other choices. When I prayed Istakarah I got positive signs. The only thing is that the Istakarah prayer was for someone else I thought I was going to get engaged to and not who I am with now.
I ask you this: I am miserable in my new state of affairs and I am thinking of leaving this union, which has left me depressed, and always thinking. I have lost sleep, not eaten and have been very frustrated lately. It has only been a little over a week and I still have not had any sexual contact with this person for I fear the worst. I would like to leave this union in good terms with this person and her family, but my parents would be devastated. Do they deserve with might come to them for the injustice and their unislamic mentality or what?
As of now I see no way this marriage could work, and one shouldn't live miserably just because someone (in my case-my mother) thought they knew best for you. Aslo I believe that my real soulmate is still outhere and waiting for me and I know who it really is. I ask you to help me with the guidance and wisdom of Islam.
There are two aspects to your question: legal and social. Legally an adult Muslim is allowed to enter into a marital contact or annul it anytime he decides. So your can separate from the woman you think you wont be able to get along with.
As far as the social aspect is concerned, you should have considered the matter of choice before consenting to marry the woman. Usually marriage is successful only when the family of the couple and the society support and back it. We have to give due weight to the social and cultural traditions and attach importance to the views of the elders and near relations.
Therefore, I would suggest you to try to reconcile with the lady and try to discover things in her personality, which are appealing to you. You should try your best to keep the union intact to save yourself and the family from any uncomfortable situation. Every personality has been bestowed with some sort of excellence and this lady must have some positive attributes, which can draw you towards her. Parents are always very loving and they do not often bring about destruction in our lives. They however may sometimes fall in error while making decisions. May be they saw something which you are missing. How will you get to know her and let her know you and your preferences until you interact with her?
I say all this because in my opinion marriage is a very serious and sacred relationship and must not be made and broken in a trivial fashion. This is also right that none but you understand the true situation and you are the final judge in this regard. Islamic Shari`ah does not restrict you from divorcing this woman and marrying the other you like. But it also emphasizes the point that one must decide upon separating from the spouse as a last resort to the solutions of the problem they are facing.
Tariq Mahmood Hashmi
RA Studying Islam
What if One does not like one's Fiance
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